he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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