a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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