Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
