never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
