i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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