She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
