Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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