wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
