can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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