I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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