If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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