Your face is a jimmy john
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Can't talk, ducks in the car
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
