Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You ate ashes out of my bong
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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