I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
