Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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