oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Randomize
