One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
