Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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