uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
