I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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