My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
