So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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