The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
