is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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