I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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