There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
