I cannot find my penis.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
