Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
