You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
