Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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