i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
