btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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