i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
