He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
