I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
