If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
