so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
