You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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