Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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