I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
