The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
