Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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