I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
