did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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