I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
