your parents love me but you hate me
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
