Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
