Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
