I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You pole danced in your parka.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
