I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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