I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
